


Letters I'll never send

by bearer_of_light



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-29 03:44:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11432469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bearer_of_light/pseuds/bearer_of_light
Summary: Just a short nothing.Sorry for any and all mistakes.Find me on tumblr @ordinarklo





	Letters I'll never send

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short nothing.  
> Sorry for any and all mistakes.
> 
> Find me on tumblr @ordinarklo

_Letter 11_

You were the best part of me.

You always hated when I said that, always made sure to go and list all the things about me that are great and have nothing to do with you.

But still, you ~~are~~ were the best part of me.

The softness of my voice and gentleness of my touch, the wildness of my thoughts. You brought out tenderness I tried to suppress my entire life. But you cracked the surface the first day I met you and in that moment I knew I will be yours forever.

Funny how things work out.

 

_Letter 50_

I saw a cat today. It was walking down our street and I remembered that excruciatingly hot day in july when you brought home the black stray cat you stumbled upon while walking home from work.

 You were grinning and jumping around with him whispering how you wanted to keep him. And I smiled and smiled and wondered what I ever did in my life to deserve you.

You gave him a name.

Max.

Max was a small and wild ball of fur and he loved you more than he loved me. The only time he would make a noise was to hiss at me every time I tried to touch him. Probably because he knew I would be the one to make the decision he had to go.

You also knew it but you were avoiding it and distracting me and talking about everything other than the fact that we have a growing ball of fur in our small one bedroom apartment.

After a couple of weeks, after he got a bit bigger, we dropped him off at the local shelter.

I still remember how you tried to hide the tears on our walk back home.

This cat was nothing like Max. It was a lot less black and much more talkative. Bit like you.

 

_Letter 70_

If I’m being honest I’m really drunk right now and these lines and words are not very right. But I miss you.

I miss your skin under my fingers. (and your fingers on my skin).

I miss the smell of your hair (I tried washing mine in the same shampoo but it only made me cry more).

I miss your clothes covered in paint (Raven made me throw it all away).

I miss the warm blue of your eyes (I can’t look up without seeing your face).

I miss the sound of your voice (I still have one of the last voicemails you left me. I sometimes listen to it but don’t tell Anya).

I miss the taste of your lips (I just miss it).

I miss you.

I miss you and I’m drunk on cheap booze and regret and I want to switch places and I want to see your face one last time.

I want to tell you how much I love you and to not go on that stupid trip.

I want to buy you plane ticket and force you onto a plane.

I want to do anything that would I could get drunk on you.

 

_Letter 251_

I’ve been thinking a lot about destiny and choices and what we can and can’t do about the way we spend our days on this planet.

I would like to think you were my destiny and that I am yours on every iteration of the universe there is.

I hope there’s not one me out there in the eternal void that thought you were beyond reach and I pray there’s not one you out there thinking I’m not good enough.

I hope there’s a universe we are together for eternity.

 

_Letter 412_

Some days are just harder than the others.

Some days I see you in everything I do or touch or lay my eyes on.

Flowers are blooming again and  everything is greener.

I think off days we spent outside, you drawing everything and me admiring you. The days I spent with you were the best days of my life. And I’m scared I’ll never smile the way I smiled with you and that I’ll never be not even close to happy.

I aim for content and few moments of happiness.

But today even that seems so far away.

 

_Letter 511_

I told them I’m writing these notes or letters or whatever you want to call them. Raven smiled softly and Anya got angry.  They both asked me why and I didn’t know that to tell them.

I eventually went the easy route and told them that I need a way to still have you around but the more I think about it I realize that’s not the reason.

I think I’m writing this hoping I can let go some day. Maybe.

I love you.

 

_Letter 678_

I saw one of your paintings hanging on the wall of your old school.

Strangely it made me smile. And proud.

I got my two seconds of happiness.

 

_Letter 730_

It’s been two years since I saw you.

Two long and cold and hard years. Hardest of my life. I still don’t know how I managed.

How do you continue to live your life after everything you loved was taken from you?

I don’t know but I did it.

I still cry and it’s still hard and cold but it’s a little less dark.

I got a small, wild, black ball of fur so it’s also a little less lonely.

 

_Letter 855_

It’s your birthday. Or it would have been. I don’t know, I don’t see the difference.

You were always big on those. Birthdays I mean.

 _Lexa, it marks a new milestone of your life_ , you used to say to me. I’d smile and indulge because it made you happy and it marked another year I could spend with you.

Happy birthday Clarke, I love you.

 

_Letter 1095_

It’s been 1095 days since you’ve been gone. 26280 hours. 1576800 minutes. Fuckton of seconds and a shitload of tears.

1095 long days and even longer nights.

There were more hours when I wanted to die then when I was okay with being alive. But that’s not what you would have wanted so here I am. Still.

There hasn’t been a minute when my heart wasn’t full of love for you and despair because of you.

I think it’s time I let go. I think that’s what you would want.

You were and always will be the best part of me. And there won’t be a day in my life when I won’t think about you.

I love you.


End file.
